Controlling my anger and annoyance has been a struggle today, so I had an idea that journaling like I used to might help. Also, I'm interested in my mental journey moving to a new place. I'm looking back t the Franklin Ward through very rose-colored glasses. I believe it. But there's a part of me that acknowledges it might not be exactly as I remember. Because of my poor memory and my lack of recording, I have no way of knowing for sure. So this time I plan to write it down, in case it happens again in my life.
So far, I do not like living in Nampa. I like being by Mallory...and I like the house, but I hate everything about our location and am deeply regretting moving. We had a really good thing going in the Franklin Ward, and being close to the YMCA and other amenities. All that is completely gone. Instead of catching a ride with the whole group of youth, I have to drive 20-30 minutes one way to help her stay still included in youth activities. Lydia went to a school that offered any class she could every imagine. Here, she has 1 options for history and 1 option for foreign language, which very very limited options for electives. More than that, the students there seem to be quite unwelcoming. No one has introduced themselves or invited her to lunch. It seems everyone eats in the cafeteria, so it is very crowded. It's not normal to eat in the hallways, and they don't let anyone eat in the seminary building (both were not the case at Mountain View). So she just finds a quiet place in the hall and eats, often texting me to pass the time. It breaks my heart.
Church was hard to endure today. Relief Society was fine. It seems there are good women in there. The ward is full on young moms. Overwhelmed, busy young moms.
Heidi has been full of attitude lately. More situations not that end in her being defiant, rude, dismissive, etc. Emotions level up quickly with her, with no reason, logic, or humility in sight, unless carefully coaxed out through a side door very, very gently.
If this wasn't hard enough, Grant must be having hormonal changes because his aggression has quadrupled in the last month. Even statements that could be said in a normal tone, he will often yell with defiance or combativeness. I need to figure out a place to channel all that energy. He's still helpful and does stay mad for too long, which is my saving grace. (Heidi will take a small grudge to the grave).
Ander was doing so well, but had started his tantrum outbursts again the past few days. The ones where I ask him to do any chore... or he's hungry... and he starts screaming and kicking and banging property. He went quite a while with a lot of self control and it was so utterly lovey. With hope in my heart I'd think, "is this was normal life is like??" But now were back. All this is not helped by the fact that I've been PMSing the past 4 or so days...had 1 day of normal respite...and then now am dealing with the anger/physical fatigue of my monthly cycle. All my kids issues are probably magnified by me. By them "catching" my energy. That gives me even more guilt and hopelessness because it's SO hard for me to be fun patient mom when I feel like another crazy and sad person has taken over my brain and body.
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