Books to Remember: Untangled

 page 215, phone's digital romance

 First, find an opportunity to say something such as, "I've heard that some boys think it's okay to text a girl, sometimes over and over again, to ask her to send nude photos or do sexual things. This goes without saying, but just to say it, that's totally inappropriate behavior on the guys part. They shouldn't do it at all, and they certainly shouldn't keep doing it once a girl says no." Your daughter might brush you off with, "geez, of course I know that it's wrong!" But your breath wasn't wasted. Digital harassment and fast track expectations have become the norm in some circles, and girls who feel uncomfortable sometimes wonder if they're out of step. Your daughter will be glad to hear that she's not the one acting crazy.

 page 217, the inner compass

Should your daughter wish to talk with you about her relationships, follow her lead. Otherwise, pick your moments, keep your commentary brief, and capitalize upon the opportunities that present themselves. After watching a movie that features any of the confusing messages we send girls about their place in the romantic world, you could say, "That movie made it seem like guys call all the shots but I hope you know that what you want out of a relationship matters. Anyone worth being with will know that too."

Should she mention that a girl in her class "jacked off" A boy, feel free to muse in a non-judgmental tone, "I wonder if she enjoyed that."

Statements like these may send your daughter running from the room, but make them anyway. Our culture doesn't care about girls in her compasses, so somebody has to encourage girls to tune into their own wishes.'

If your daughter confides to you that she has a crush on a boy who is a longtime friend, consider asking her if she'd like to let him know. Over the years, I've coach girls in the situation to say something such as, "If you wanted to become more than friends, I'd be interested in that, too. If that's not what you want, I'm glad to have you as my friend."

For all the times I've made this suggestion I doubt that any girl has actually acted on it, yet I keep making it because I want girls to know that they can ask for what they want. If your daughter doesn't share her longings with you but tells you about a friend who wants to kiss her boyfriend but is waiting for him to make the first move, you might ask what keeps a friend from making her wishes known

P.218

When it comes to doing your third job - making sure that your daughter knows how to express what she doesn't want - find an opening and make your point. You might say something along these lines: "I think that you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway. If someone asks you to do something that you don't want - whether it's holding your hand or having sex - you always have the right to say, 'That's not something I want to do.' You should never have to say it more than once, and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for saying it."

... What a girl wants can depend heavily on the moment and the context, and sometimes a girl learns what she doesn't want only through experimentation. You might say, "you'll figure out what feels right for you as you go, but know that just because you've done something once doesn't mean you have to do it again. Anyone who deserves to be with you will respect that."

P.219 being polite thru refusal

One terrific girl I know panicked when a guy asked her out in the middle of a phone call. She surprised herself, and undoubtedly hurt the boy, by hanging up on him in response! Your daughter can certainly turn down invitation to spend time with suitors, but you may need to coach her to be polite. Encouraging her to say ( or, more likely, text) something such as, "I really appreciate being asked but I'm not looking to move past our friendship right now" gives girls a good place to start.

P.223 how girls talk about other girls tramp/slut/dumb)

If your daughter paints a classmate like Beth in a negative light, consider saying, "I understand that you and your friends don't approve of her relationship, but why don't you talk that way about the guys, too?" Or "maybe she knows how people talk about her. If she wanted to make a change, would she be given a second chance?" Or "where it stands now might not be how it started. I sometimes watch adults get stuck in relationships they don't want and see how that could happen to a smart girl like Beth."

How might Beth's parents weigh in if they became worried about her arrangement with Kevin? They might say, "It seems as if he's only reaching out to you on the weekends. If that's what you want and you're happy with that, then that sounds fine. If you want something more, do you feel you can ask him for it?" Or "You don't hang out with your classmates as much as you used to - is that okay with you?" If the topic felt too delicate to address directly, they might wait for an opening and say, "sometimes girls lose sight of what they want because they are so good at paying attention to what everyone else wants. It's okay to make sacrifices and relationships so long as what you're giving up feels worth what you're getting."

P.224

Let go of any hopes that you have all the answers all the time because you don't, and needn't. I want especially wise mother of three teenagers once told me, "The best conversations I've had with my kids always started when I said, 'wow that's a really complicated situation. I don't know what to say. What do you think?"

Tributaries in the lake p. 234

When I think of girls and self-esteem, I picture a lake that, ideally, has many tributaries keeping it full. The distributaries will differ from girls to girl and me include their successful efforts as a serious student, a dedicated athlete, a dependable friend, an animal shelter volunteer, a budding inventor, an amazing big sister, or a reliable employee, just to name a few. Teenagers can be fragile and easily lose a sense of their value, so it's best if they have more than one way to feel good. A girl who is flattened by a low grade can be restored later the same day when she picks up her paycheck at the store where she begs groceries. A girl who gets cut from the varsity basketball team might find she feels better after she spent a Saturday afternoon to drink kids at the local elementary school.

Page 239Veil of obedience

I call that your veil of obedience, and you get behind it when an adult says something that doesn't fit with your experience and you check out

Page 240 -

Girl stop listening to us when we lecture. If you find yourself talking at your daughter or pressing any point at length, know that she has likely put on her veil and you are almost certainly wasting your breath. The wisdom and accuracy of your advice are inconsequential. It's almost impossible for any human being to endure a lecture without feeling defensive and response, and the longer the lecture goes on, the more defensive we become.

Girls done their veils of obedience when we take a suspicious tone. As soon as we ask, will there be drinking at that party? They start assuring us that the party will be alcohol-free and figuring out how to keep us from learning otherwise. This is true even for teens who were already worried that the party might be bad news.

Girls brush off when we level moral judgments. Feel free to embrace your beliefs, but don't expect your daughter to share your perspective. Morals are always relative and highly personal, so foresting your principles on an authority questioning teenager will only invite her to look for holes in your argument, even if she actually shares your views.

And girls discount what we have to say when we overstayed risks. Loving parents sometimes try to scare their daughters safe by exaggerating. Alcohol is poison! girls put on their veils and nodded us thinking sure except for all the kids who showed up safely at school on Monday after getting drunk and by the way seeming to have an excellent time over the weekend.

Page 248 sleep

And yes you read that right: teenagers need about nine hours, but almost half sleep fewer than seven.

For starters, experimental psychology has taught us that we're not nearly as in charge of our routine as we'd like to think we are. Our bodies learn the patterns of what we do - and when and where - and these patterns shape our behavior. The best example to bring this theory home has to do with the impulse to urinate. We have all had the experience of feeling the urge to go to the bathroom while we're out and about running errands. On a scale of 1 to 10 you need to urinate might hover around a three, if necessary, you could probably throw in an extra errand without having to make a pit stop. But when you walk in your home your bladder suddenly house 10-10-10! Why does this happen? Because your body knows that it doesn't usually urinate at the grocery store. But it does know that you relieve yourself at home.

What does this have to do with the teens, technology and sleep? Unfortunately, many girls treat their beds like offices. In cozy comfort they do their homework, post online, watch shows, and communicate with friends. while sprawled out over their cushioned workstations, girls gradually sever the association their bodies have built between being in bed and falling asleep. Before long, your daughter's body stops recognizing the bed as a 10 for sleeping. When your girl tries to fall asleep, her body wonders, why are we trying to crash at the office? And stays awake out of sheer bewilderment.

To make matters worse, the light emitted by digital technology disrupts melatonin, the natural hormone that causes drowsiness when it gets dark. Artificial light drives down melatonin levels, and research indicates that the blue spectrum light emitted by digital technology may be partially effective at undermining healthly fatigue.

In sum, digital technology should never find its way into anyone's bed, and everyone in the family should step away from his or her devices at least a half hour before trying to go to sleep. But how do we implement such policies with real life teenagers? Once you've educated your daughter about the science of sleep, ask her to do her homework anywhere but on her bed. A desk or the bedroom floor are great alternatives if she insists on being in her room, or ask her to use another bed in your home - perhaps your bed or a guest bed if you happen to have one - to help preserve the link between sensory experience of being in her own bed and her body's impulse to sleep.