Looking back at photos of my children, I wish I had written more about my experience with them during that phase of life. I can see future Ashley thinking the same thing, so I tell myself that I should actually do that right now so I can enjoy those memories, instead of feeling regret.
Yet here I am, and I'm not sure what to write. Apparently when I'm in that phase of life, I take it for granted. I can't predict how it's to change, so I find myself at a loss for what to record. That it's obvious. (Or I don't want to dwell on the negative, which I tend to do). I determined to give it a go anyway!
Lydia, I can't believe you are 15 years old, yet can't believe you're not an adult already. You do not seem to enjoy school at all. I few times you have come home, having learned something interesting. But overall you seem to be uninspired by your teachers and indifferent to the students around you. Being new to this school is hard. The school demographics are hard. That is very hard on my because since the day of your birth, I've been very concerned about your education. Moving your to as many honors classes at as possible has helped. I'm proud of you for joining tennis. That has helped you keep busy as well. But you still greatly miss the youth of the Franklin Ward: Maggie, Chloe, Ruby, Savannah, Jaxon, and Clark. They are all good kids with good parents. It's hard to live so far away from them. I pray that you can find a good group of friends here, since I know peers are so important to you. Speaking of which, you text a lot. I like that you can text me from school (even thought it's "not allowed"). You seem to be more willing to write me than talk to me, so I'm grateful we have that at least. As for texting your friends, man... written communication between teens has really gone downhill since I was in high schools. Maybe it's just me, but we would communicate over Instant Messaging (IMing). Your conversations are very brief. I see that you try to start a conversation with others, but the response from those you text is underwhelming to say the least. One word. If that. often just the briefest of acknowledgements, if that. Nothing I would say relationships can be built on. Does that make me wise? Or an out-of-touch dinosaur?
You spend most of your after school time in your room. On the phone or listening to a book. I miss having your presence around. Your siblings miss you too. Often you are indifference to them. At worse, you find them horribly loud and annoying, escaping to your room or covering your ears at that table enduring the seconds until you can ask to be excuse. At other times though, you can be so sweet. You love when Chase will cuddle or hug you ( a rare treat!). You've also started helping diffuse situations. When one of your siblings is getting angry, you will ask a totally unrelated question, like "What was a good thing that happened today?" to try to distract them from the ensuing meltdown/conflict. Lucky for all of us, they don't catch on to what you're doing and actually calm down to answer the question! I suppose that shows how much they want your attention and approval.
I'm starting to notice when you get excited about something and actually come out of your "hard shell of emotional security" periodically. You get loud and at times aggressive. But I empathize with that feeling of feeling life. Like when you wanted to stand out on the porch a few years ago and yell Happy New Year as loud as you could after midnight to the whole neighborhood. You've had some other experiences like that, which I can't really remember right now :).
You're trying contacts for the first time this year. We've had to go to the eye doctor 3 times now to adjust the contact material hoping to find one that will work (you say they burn your eyes and you can't wear them for more than a few hours). I suppose we're going to see if maybe you're not ready for contacts just yet. Comfort is the word that describes you best. You get frustrated when you have to wear something that is uncomfortable, which contacts can be described as, I suppose. Shopping is not the most fun because again, to find something that fits "just right" and is comfortable, can be a challenge! It makes me wish I was a master seamstress, and could tailor your clothes just how you like.
You are a good friend and one of the few youth I've met that really follow through. We joke that you "minister" to your friends by making sure you reach out to them in a timely fashion. It hurts my mama heart that some of those friends don't reach out to you, but I understand what that feels like first-hand, and that seems to be how a lot of people are [shrug emoji].
You are quite helpful around the house, but I worry that you do it to avoid conflict or my meltdowns. When we're late or you have asked me to do a favor, you often ask, "What can I do to help you?" Even when you're not in the mood to help me (and it's clear), you will obey...even if it is begrudgingly. There are those times those that you're full-on disgusted and let me know when eye rolls and stomp offs.
I'm excited for more years with you. I love you so much my sweetie 💓
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