6/24/26

 Got so excited about bringing Lydia on a trip to NYC with Kim Ennor and her niece. I knew that little voice in my head that it was "too good to be true" was right. I told Pat about it. We looked at flights. It's expensive. We'll only be there a couple days. And then we go to Hawaii the next week. Gosh I'm so incredibly disappointed. When else will I take Lydia to NYC? She has college, then mission, job? And even if I took her in August, going by myself would be scary and not as fun. Kim is fun and she went on her mission in NYC. It would really add to our trip to hear her stories and have her energy there. Plus I could actually make new memories with a potential friend. Man it's lonely living here. And going on a trip with Pat is not a substitute either. There's a definite different vibe and energy of a "girls trip" vs a husband, wife, daughter trip. I'm so utterly sad about it. But very aware that it's just a hard thing to try to squeeze in to a very busy month. Gosh I wish she was going the 2nd week of August. I'm afraid I'm not too good at dealing with this level of sadness and disappointment healthily. It's always been a weakness of mine. Really holds me back and hinders me. It's hard not to lose hope and just not want to try anymore. It's hard for me to picture a future that's happier and better than my past. If I can't picture it, it's difficult for me to remain optimistic and even work towards any sort of goal. Just back to surviving each day. Wow is that a depressing existence.